dear life.
thankyou for your distractions from my loneliness. you’re doing a good job of keeping me occupied and i just want to say thankyou.i cant think of any other way to say thankyou that appeals to me right now other than posting some sentences into the ridiculous vortex that is the internet. so thankyou for keeping me distracted from myself and my loneliness.i haven’t liked being with myself lately. just lately.. i feel wrong and unsure about who i am in a couple of ways..am i defined by anything? really specifically? is there an actual ME? i really have trouble answering that question with confidence at the moment.am i just wearing a uniform with some plastic badges that il take off when i take the final sleep or keep as some sort of ticket to some next thing? I honestly do not know…i know that i dont like being unhappy. and that i do like being happy. its really simple actually. at first. and i guess the only way i can judge anything is by its contribution to this thing called my happiness…am i wrong in thinking that? how do i believe a person who says i am wrong if i am ‘wrong’? do i rely on my 5 senses through to my ‘heart’. the emotional or spiritual or whatever makes my feelings work? am i supposed to judge????? whats a better alternative if there is one. why do i always want options?
anyway. thankyou,life, for the people and things i have surrounding me both near and far that make me happy and keep me both physically and spiritually and any other ‘ally’ distracted from the bad things that make me sad and raging angry and depressed and weak.
i can’t ask you why about all the shit thats around because you never seem to have a final answer. but i suppose if you did, in all my curiousity, i would find another why for you…
so im just going to say thankyou.
thankyou for the bug bouncing on my window.
thankyou for Jodie.
thankyou for food.
thankyou for bellylaughs.
thankyou for parents that still love eachother.
thankyou for a family that makes me laugh.
thankyou for the actual friends that i have had lately.
thankyou for a bed.
thankyou for dropping me in a country where i dont feel scared about walking out my door…most days.
thankyou for giving me swear words to use to express my anger.
thankyou for giving me nice words to express good things.
thankyou for the planet earth. though i feel like im not at home here i like the good things that are on it.
i want to keep telling you thankyou because i just want you to know im grateful.
its a nice feeling and im thankful for it.
its time for bed.
