,in a little despair and very lonely right this second. but at least i have some oxygen and ideals to push me through to the next times of hope and peace. they always come.
but right now i wanna cry
inside to be everything i want to be already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
bring out the me in me. it scares me and challenges me but i welcome it at the same time. and i’m grateful and find sanctuary and love with you.
you’re amazing to me. and i dont think that feeling could change because of what it is i love about you. you’re heart, you’re pure honest love without agenda, you’re honesty in every way even when it hurts me, you’re beauty, you’re sense of humour, you’re vision, you’re ability to appreciate the pure simple things, you’re ability to make me see things differently, you’re love for me which i will never fully understand, you’re peace, you’re humility…my heart is beating just right and im smiling as i right this because i know i mean it and its undeniable [:
i am rarely good at saying it the best way it could be said. i dont know why.i suppose im a believer in honesty speaking for itself. im sorry that im not better at showing you how much i love you but i really hope you believe me and know. i really do. because i feel like you’re relying on that…and i want more than anything for you to know deep down how much i love you…it might not happen in a single gesture but i want you to know it however it manifests…i can not wait to see you at the airport.
….
i hate this about myself and just wish i knew how to burn it away…someone show me how?
this distance and feeling unglued from you but im patiently counting these days of mine that are passing by and taking me through.
i dont always know how you feel. i just trust that you feel like i do
when i tell you i love you and just want you home but i know you need freedom too.
im writing this on your pillow that i’ll give you when we’re together again.
thankyou for your distractions from my loneliness. you’re doing a good job of keeping me occupied and i just want to say thankyou.i cant think of any other way to say thankyou that appeals to me right now other than posting some sentences into the ridiculous vortex that is the internet. so thankyou for keeping me distracted from myself and my loneliness.i haven’t liked being with myself lately. just lately.. i feel wrong and unsure about who i am in a couple of ways..am i defined by anything? really specifically? is there an actual ME? i really have trouble answering that question with confidence at the moment.am i just wearing a uniform with some plastic badges that il take off when i take the final sleep or keep as some sort of ticket to some next thing? I honestly do not know…i know that i dont like being unhappy. and that i do like being happy. its really simple actually. at first. and i guess the only way i can judge anything is by its contribution to this thing called my happiness…am i wrong in thinking that? how do i believe a person who says i am wrong if i am ‘wrong’? do i rely on my 5 senses through to my ‘heart’. the emotional or spiritual or whatever makes my feelings work? am i supposed to judge????? whats a better alternative if there is one. why do i always want options?
anyway. thankyou,life, for the people and things i have surrounding me both near and far that make me happy and keep me both physically and spiritually and any other ‘ally’ distracted from the bad things that make me sad and raging angry and depressed and weak.
i can’t ask you why about all the shit thats around because you never seem to have a final answer. but i suppose if you did, in all my curiousity, i would find another why for you…
so im just going to say thankyou.
thankyou for the bug bouncing on my window.
thankyou for Jodie.
thankyou for food.
thankyou for bellylaughs.
thankyou for parents that still love eachother.
thankyou for a family that makes me laugh.
thankyou for the actual friends that i have had lately.
thankyou for a bed.
thankyou for dropping me in a country where i dont feel scared about walking out my door…most days.
thankyou for giving me swear words to use to express my anger.
thankyou for giving me nice words to express good things.
thankyou for the planet earth. though i feel like im not at home here i like the good things that are on it.
i want to keep telling you thankyou because i just want you to know im grateful.
its a nice feeling and im thankful for it.
its time for bed.
sometimes i think i can handle life. but right now i just feel stupid
surrounded by people but still lonely. worst and strangest feeling ever. i feel strong somehow..only because i believe good things are coming…i really hope so…
